R E N D I T I O N

Today was such a weird day. Too many things happened in such a short span of time, I had difficulty catching up. I was soul searching one second, before I knew it, I was panicking the next, then internalizing, then all of a sudden I realized some of my mentors were trying to keep us under lock and key for not doing some of the procedures correctly. It actually didn't make sense! Worse, the Globe networks went awry all of a sudden, I couldn't send a text message for a couple of minutes! I went out of the house today and had no idea I was going to be sent to a hostile seemingly stoic world to be rendered.

First soul searching. This was weird, I did not know what came into my mind when I decided to think about the things I've done in the past few months. I laughed at the stupidity of the thought that once again I'm regretting the things I've done. I've wasted so much time on something I actually forgot so many other things and so many other people need my help, my time and attention. Too bad I won't be able to get that back. It's not money, obviously. It's time. Is it possible to take back time? Is it possible for the people who took my time to actually return it? In my wildest dreams! I've lived my life regretting. It's a fact. There are things I've done last year that just proved I was after all just human: gullible, tactless, naive, spoiled, and blind. I was just in a state of denial that some people were after all not worthy of my time and effort, thus my continued wastage of time and effort!!! Will they be able to give it back? Of course not! I lost. period.

Panicking. Before I knew it, I was panicking. I realized I had touched a very sensitive thought in this primitive brain of mine. Something I should just have left alone. And I panicked. I struggled to get the thought out of my mind. I had better things to do and so many more important things to take care of and there it was on my mind! I had to panic. I was upset, angry, mad. Thus....

Internalizing. I had to keep it to myself. All this hatred, anger, sadness, sorrow, I had to swallow them all. I had uncovered a truth that was too devastating to bear, too horrible to hear, and as usual, I was in a state of denial. But it was the truth. It hurt, I've made a fool out of myself for the longest time in years. For chrissake, I'm a postgraduate student, I've finished college, I'm in medical school, I'm going to be a doctor and yet I've made a fool out of myself! How could I be so gullible? Stupid! The only people who need me are my family, friends, and future patients. No one else. It dawned on to me, the old adage "choose your friends, and choose them wisely" Had I followed that one carefully, none of these would have had happened, and I would have been happier in the past few months and today. I wouldn't have to bear the pain of failure and disappointment. I feel so ashamed. If there was a moment in my life where I'd want the whole world to open up and just swallow me, this would be it.

In the end, I forgot I was still in the hospital OPD, and I had to do some important procedures but because of my stupidity, did it with such profound incompetence I wondered if I was a medical student at all. There, the doctor had to reprimand me in front of the patient and my colleagues. He attempted to incarcerate us all until we learn the procedure properly and be able to do it in an actual patient with flying colors. So I had to text someone to pick my kid in school since I might not be able to do that because of this debacle. Then bang! The Globe networks went awry, and none of us loyal Globe users were able to text or call! WTF!!! We tried and I tried for the next 45 mins. still nothing. SHIT! I was cursing to the high heavens for the chastisement that has been brought upon me on this day. When the networks were back, I had to make a call as quickly as possible and I breathed a sigh of relief when I learned that my kid went to a party and needn't be picked up in school.

I went out into the world today and was awfully rendered.