In Apparent distress

The truth hurts. They always say "What you don't know won't hurt you" I just wished I had been more careful in my life. I just wished I was smarter and made the right decisions back in the day. I just wished I wasn't such a sorry ass and a loser to actually make a fool out of myself for the past few months. I just wished, I never knew anything about something. (That's what you get for being too pushy, naggy and idiotic, come on, you can do better than this)

A few bad decisions along the way, and my whole life ended in some pool of shit. I've lived 23 no 24 years of my life in utter disappointment. I've never made a decision I've never regretted. NEVER. It feels like I just spent my whole life experimenting just about anything I could get my hands on. Such a spoiled loser. I treat patients right now, but unfortunately I don't have a license, I take history, attempt to formulate a strategy to bring the patient back to life. And what do I get? Experience perhaps, knowledge, maybe. I guess this is the whole medicine experience. And believe me, I'm starting to regret it. I wish medicine would be over in a blink and I'll have my own clinic, and treat patients, and just live a luxurious life. But I know that won't happen. I'm just dreaming.

If there only was a way to undo all the things I have done in the past few months. If there only was a way. I was such an idiot to follow what was obviously just pipe dreams, and failed aspirations. In the end, there was really nothing in there for me. Nothing as in zero. Just some delusional crap coming out of other diseased and delusional fellows. We were living in the belief that somehow things would turn out the way we wanted it to be. But life ain't like that. We struggle, we work hard, we sacrifice, and still things NEVER turn out the way we want it to be.

"What you don't know won't hurt you." It's true. If only, I wasn't so touchy in other people's opinions and thoughts maybe, and just maybe, things would turn out differently. If only I was a bit more openminded, I wouldn't have ended in yet another trap. I've lived my life in utter disappointment. And yet again, so early in 2008, I'm disappointed. I'm beginning to regret the things I've done in 2007. There are some things not worth my time, some people not worth my effort. A storm is coming, and I better prepare for it. 2008 will be the longest year of my life.